Hay Rides are for Horses
With Halloween coming soon, I think we should talk about haunted houses and haunted hay rides.I don't really like them.
For starters, I'm not one of the people that sees the thrill in being scared. Fright is not a good thing. You know what scares me? Life. Real life. The world can be sick, twisted, and unfair. That's scary. Or, if you want to take this in a direction that is more "acutely scary," just start thinking of something like driving. Someone could cut the wheel sharply and cross that yellow divider at any second, leaving you helpless and headed for an awful head-on mess. I don't dwell on those things because if I did, I'd probably never leave the house. But, if you stop and think about it, we're all pretty helpless. We all should be scared. The roof could fall down on us right now and crush us. It probably won't. But it could.
So, for what it's worth, I don't like voluntarily doing things that make me more nervous, anxious, and fearful than I already am. It seems almost masochistic.
mas·och·ism n. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
I think that covers it, doesn't it?
Anyway, I know how some people will respond to all this. They'll say, "But they're not really all that scary."
And that's another weird issue. I was on a haunted hay ride a few years back—which is really an activity in the miniature golf category realm: do it only if you're completely bored and lacking a better social engagement—and this dude comes running out of the bushes with a chain saw. Now, clearly this isn't a professional entertainer. He most certainly is a 17-year-old punk with a cheap rubber mask from the "5 & 10" working seasonal work for minimum wage and a laugh. His neighbor's uncle probably owns the field we're in or something. So, I've got this guy, running along side the hay wagon and grinding a bladeless chain saw on my leg. And I'm like, "Ummm....what do I do now? I'm not scared, so... It's all kind of awkward. Can this guy maybe stop and go away now?"
So, the best I could do was break up the awkward situation by talking to my chain saw wielding maniac.
"Uh...hey. How' you doing?"
"Good," he said in a polite and pleasant voice. "How are you?"
He's dressed up in a mask straight from the bowels of hell, but he clearly sounds like a guy I want to go eat pizza with after the ride is over.
Even he knows it's a joke.
Now, of course, there is one area where these haunted houses stand to scare you. When people jump out at you from the dark and scream in your face, you tend to react. But it's not because they're dressed up like frankenstein or because they have fake blood dripping down their faces where equally fake axes have been buried. It's merely because they startled you. The sweet, grandmotherly lady who hands out the hymm books in church could scare you if she jumped out from behind a corner and screamed at the top of her lungs.
We've all been there. Have you ever had someone sneak-up on you and lunge towards you out of nowhere? They're always laughing after that, saying, "I totally scared you! I made you jump!"
Yeah, man. It's called a healthy nervous system.
Hell, it even happens when people aren't trying to intentionally scare you. You know this scenario, right? It's quiet, you're alone at the kitchen table, head down, concentrating on balancing your check book or whatever the task at hand is. And then suddenly you hear a voice that sounds as loud as commercials do (you know, how commercials are always recorded a little louder than the program you're watching) and you look up and your wife or sister or whomever you live with is standing right there and you nearly go through the roof. The exact same conversation follows every time:
"Sorry! I didn't mean to..."
"No, that's cool..." as you try to not look too freaked out. "I just had no idea who were standing there!"
Yeah, so...I don't really like people startling me. With or without a wolfman mask on.
I know, I know...it's all about the fun. Halloween parties are fun. Paul "Paulanoma" Giachetti knows a thing or two about being festive and having bloody corpses and cobwebs fill his house. But the whole "let's get scared thing" is not the fun part. It's not like I hate these things. But, you know, I don't hate miniature golf, either. Just don't love 'em.
posted by Steve @ 4:24 PM
7 Comments:
Hey, who's that hot guy dressed like an escaped convict?
Oh...it's Rubba.
I both agree and disagree with your take on the whole scary thing. On the one hand, I don't really like to be scared, for the same reasons you mentioned. I am not particularly fond of people or things popping up out of nowhere. I don't even like it when people walk up behind me when I know they are there, so that whole aspect of Halloween doesn't really appeal to me all that much.
However, because Halloween isn't an all-the-time sort of event, I don't mind it as much. I don't watch horror movies or play games where things jump out at me (No, Paul, I will NOT play Doom or FEAR no matter what you say), but I do enjoy going to large events dedicated to the art of Halloween spookiness. Note I say LARGE events. At things such as Universal Studio's Halloween Horror Nights (Orlando, Fl) where there are thousands of visitors to only a few hundred at most people intent on popping out, there is not a high likihood that I, personally, will be singled out. I can enjoy the spooky atmosphere and the effort it took to create it with a bare minimum of people-poppers in goofy masks.
I guess it comes down to the whole social aspect. I enjoy Haloween and the related festivities because it is a good excuse for a party and a good excuse to hang out with good friends. And eat candy. That is, of course, the best part.
[[[ I guess it comes down to the whole social aspect. I enjoy Haloween and the related festivities because it is a good excuse for a party and a good excuse to hang out with good friends. And eat candy. That is, of course, the best part. ]]]]
All very true. And that's what I was kind of hinting at when I mentioned the Halloween parties and fun and stuff. It's not that I'm anti-Halloween or anti-fun or anti-festive-silliness. The post was really about specifically the haunted hayrides and haunted houses. But, you know, I'm not even "anti-hayride," either. I mean, I could think of worse things to do. I just think they're a bit overrated. I guess that's why I mentioned mini-golf a couple of times. To me, mini-golf is kind-of fun, but once you start playing, it's actually less fun that you'd think. Hayrides and Haunted Houses fall into the same trap.
For me, anyway. It's all just my "worthless opinion," as I'm wont to say in newsgroups I've been involved with. And, make no mistake, I fully recognize that my opinions are just opinions and therefore they are, ultimately, completely worthless. But it can be fun to discuss 'em just the same, right?
Well, as I have never been on a hayride before, I am not very qaulified to discuss how fun they are, but I do enjoy a good round of mini-golf... For much the same reason I enjoy Haloween. It is a chance to get out with friends and family, doing something clean and fun together, where you can be goofy and silly and no one cares. It allows for some good-natured ribbing when you miss shots, and for a little competitive banter as you go along. All in all, I have to say mini-golf is a great way to spend an hour or two of time on the weekend.
Man o' man.... One of the best blog entries to date. I can so relate to what you're saying dude. I always felt awkward when the guy with the chain-less chainsaw ran up to me (as I wasn't exactly fearing for my life), the most I could do is cringe at the excessive noise it created, but only you would turn around and start a CONVERSATION with the guy! I would have paid real money to have been there for that....
But in all truthfulness, I tend to like them, just because it's one of those silly things to do with friends (i.e. things you wouldn't possibly do by yourself). It's not in the activity itself, but in the company you share it with. Not unlike Mini-golf, bowling, or ice skating.
[[[ but only you would turn around and start a CONVERSATION with the guy! I would have paid real money to have been there for that.... ]]]]
Ha! Yup, and that's exactly how it went down.
[[[ It's not in the activity itself, but in the company you share it with. ]]]
Yes, that's exactly it. And that's why after all this, I still would go on a haunted hayride again. Yeah, theyr'e weak...but it would definitely give us more fodder for our blogs. When are we going?
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