Heart and Mind

Shades of Grey

Hearing it from the Older Generation

So last week I was at my grandmother's funeral. It was during the streak of ridiculously hot and humid weather we had. It was actually outside during the burial when my cousin sauntered up to me and whispered, "I just have to ask you one thing..."

Now, in order to acurately paint the picture here, I have to explain that the particular cousin here is really my father's first cousin; so although she's my cousin, she's of my parent's generation. I also have to add that, although I like her just fine, she definitely fits the description of a more "distant relative." No, it's not that she's that far away from me on the family tree (my paternal grandmother's sister's kid), but she's never lived locally and I really haven't seen her all that much over the course of my lifetime. With some small exceptions here and there, it seems like the old "only at weddings and funerals" thing seems to be a pretty accurate description.

So we're standing out in the 100 degree weather when she whispers, "I just have to ask you one thing...," and then she couldn't deliver the question right away, because the service at the burial was beginning.

This gave me a minute to wonder. What is this "one thing" she was seeking an answer on? Perhaps, I thought, she was gong to ask me something about the new additions to my family that she had never met. Maybe she was going to ask me about my grandmother. I wasn't sure what she was going to ask, but I certainly didn't see this coming:

When she had a chance to finish her thoughts, she again said, "I just have to ask you one thing..." I leaned forward to invite the question.

"How did it happen..."

"Yeah?"

"...that you have got grey hair!"

Yes, this was the big question. I was a bit taken aback.

For starters, even though it was surely a lighthearted jab, it was a jab none-the-less. And I was also amazed that she'd even go that way. I mean, I've got a growing bunch of grey strands at my temples, but I don't look like Kenny Rogers. I'm mostly still brown, by far.

But beyond all that, I just found it to be a ridiculous question. I thought it was like asking a cat why he has whiskers. Clearly he's a cat and that's what cats have. Makes sense, right? So, I wondered what kind of answer was she expecting and gave her the best and most truthful answer I had:

"Well, because I'm in my mid-thirties."

Now, probably a lot of people in their mid-thirties don't have any grey hair, but I think a lot of them do. Certainly enough of them do to not make it a ridiculous concept. Folks, I'm about five years away from being forty, the epitome of what it means to be "middle aged."

I would actually think that she was probably lamenting about how fast time goes by and wondering how I, this young kid in the family, could be aging like I am. And, more importantly, she's thinking about what that says about her and everyone else if someone from the "young" generation is going grey.

Because of this, I took it in stride and made a "joke" of my own, although I quote that term off because it was really a fact. I walked back to her a few minutes later and made some kind of quip about how there are other people walking around here that also are grey, but they've been covering it up with hair dye for years.

I just thought it was weird. I'm 34 and I expect others to think of me like that. You know, I remember when all my relatives—in all generations—were younger. And I've noticed them getting greyer, balder, fatter, wrinklier, paunchier... but I don't think it's weird. On the contrary, I think it makes perfect sense. So I don't point it out to them, not nly because a) it's not particularly nice, but b) it's completely expected.


Hearing it from the Younger Generation

This would have been interesting if that was the end of it, but later in the day I got another grey hair comment, which really made it bizarre.

At this point, I was back at my parents house where everyone in the family gathered after the services for lunch. So as I'm at the cold cut table pulling up pieces of turkey with a fork, a younger generation cousin—who's ten and probably should know better than to spout off "out of the mouthes of babes" type comments—says to me out of nowhere, "Steven, you should cover up your grey hair!"

Now, this is getting ridiculous because, besides the fact that I don't have all that much grey hair when you look at the big picture, I also don't have any more grey hair than I had a month or so ago when he last saw me. What was people's obsession with a few grey hairs today?

I smirked at him and said, "Why? Does it bother you?"

"Yes," he said, quite definitively.

"Well," I told him, "I think you should cover your face because that bothers me."

Yeah, it was a smart-ass comment I made, and I guess some people would suggest I just take the abuse from the kid without dishing it back. But I think my point was valid: Why should I care if he doesn't like my wisps of grey hair. They are my hairs, not his.

I actually think that in this scenario, it's really the same as with my older cousin, but coming from the opposite age group and for different reasons. I think he, too, failed to understand that I am as old as I am. I'm in the same generation as his father, who certainly looks like he's a middle-aged guy, as he should. But I don't think he sees that, because I am always someone who goes outside and plays ball with the kids and—if the situation calls for it—am still young enough at heart to dive head-long across the grass to apply a good tackle to these young punks. They know I'm an adult, but they don't see me as one of their parents, I'm guessing.


The Ultimate Problem Here

When I asked my young cousin if a little silver in my hair bothered him, I did so because it really, in fact, doesn't bother me. And in both instances—with my older cousin and my younger cousin—this is the crux of the ultimate problem: I have never, ever cared about having some grey hair at my temples, so why should they?

Oh, I'm not a rock. Like everyone else, I have things about my appearance that maybe I'm not 100% comfortable with. But, trust me, this is not one of them. So, it blows my mind that people are giving this negative commentary about something that I think to be a non-issue. I mean, come on... Unlike many other things that go along with aging, this "problem" has an easy solution. If I didn't like it, I would dye my hair. I don't, so I obviously don't care, so why should anyone else?

If it were something harder to change—like maybe if people thought I was just plain ugly or something—then that would suck way more to be ridiculed over. But don't bother me about something that I clearly am not bothered by myself.

I actually like my grey wisps. Maybe I'd feel differently if I were all grey or even mostly grey, but maybe not. Here's a novel thought: just stay completely away from commenting on people's appearances. That's probably the best way to win friends and influence people.

posted by Steve @ 11:24 PM