Heart and Mind

This Blog Entry Can Help You Get the Abs You've Always Wanted

I find most informercials to be delightfully entertaining on account of the fact that they are so bad.

I have never bought something off of an infomercial and that's largely due to the fact that I'm of the opinion that anything sold on an infomercial must be a piece of crap. Even those rare instances where you can't see the BS, you have to know that there is definitely a lot of it going on and all is not as it may appear. The reason you should know this is simple: The products are usually simple enough and don't warrant a 30 minute explanation.

But that's part of the problem with infomercial products: they spend 30 minutes pitching these pieces of junk to be so much more than they really are at face value. Can you imagine making a 30 minute commercial about a mop? This kind of stuff happens all the time in the infomercial world, but that's because they try to sell you on it being more than a mop. It does floors and windows. It cleans them better than any other mop that's ever been made. It cleans them so well that it will change your life because you'll have more time to spend with your family. And you'll lose weight because your new clean kitchen will encourage you to make foods that are lower in fat!

Folks, it's a mop. And it's probably a pretty shitty one, because they've got to cut costs somwhere when they sell them "buy one get one free" (along with last seasons infomercial leftovers) for 19.95 and still pay for 30 minute commercials running several times a day, But even in a best case scenario, it's a mop. A mop just like all the other ones you've used. It works a little, it starts to smell after you use it a few times, it's gross, and it should be replaced periodically.

Now, with all this "30 minute "talk, it's important to note that infomercial products are sometimes pitched in shorts, as well. For instance, they run the minute long "Cliffs Notes" version that is actually the "commercial in the commercial" that the long-playing infomercials show every 10 minutes. And that minute long one is still too much time to devote to the product. It's nothing but product pitch: "it slices, dices, and makes julian fries! And it's dishwasher safe and improves your love life." Normal commercials make their pitch in half the time and they create a mini-story and sell a lifestyle ("pretty, wholesome, and/or hip people are down with this product") while pitching what the product does. And mostly it just does what we know it does. In the case of the mop, it mops the floor. It's not "the last mop you'll ever buy."

Another thing that these infomercial-commercials do is they create and solve problems that don't exist. And infomercial-product pitch I just saw tried to explain how the product eliminates the hassles of measuring the laundry detergent, including the headaches of clumsily spilling the sticky stuff all over the place and having to know how much to put in. Reality: it's not that difficult to not be sloppy and not spill it, the damn measuring cup is now built into the friekin' cap that you're holding in your hand already, and if you do put a little bit more or less in the washing machine, life goes on and your laundry basically comes out pretty much the same.

Good, quality products sell themselves with exposure. "Here's our product, so you know it exists. And common sense tells you it probably will be in your grocery store, so we're not even going to mention where it's available." Bad products need to be pitched, spun, and exaggerated.

Don't buy infomercial grade products, unless you see them in the dollar store down the road and want to buy it as a lark. Come to think of it, maybe you should just stay out of the dollar store. But a dollar is about all they're usually worth. I bought one of those strap wrenches for a buck once. It's a total piece of crap, as you would expect, but I keep it in my shed and use it soley for loosening the threaded knob on my weed wacker when it gets jammed on there (about twice a year). And for that task it works well enough that I can say it's worth every one of the 100 pennies that paid for it. But I don't think it would be worth 200 pennies. Much less the price I initially saw it advertised for when it was on TV.

posted by Steve @ 9:41 PM