Cold Crap
Have you ever known people who suck on cough drops even when they aren't sick? You know, they enjoy them like candy.I'm definitely not one of those people.
For starters, I don't think they taste particularly good. Even the ones that are named with flavors like "Strawberry" really don't quite taste fruity and delicious.
But in addition to that, I associate everything about cough drops—the smell, the taste, the coating they leave in your mouth, and that weird "Mentho-Lyptus" sensation that penetrates your nasal passage and leaves you just a bit light-headed—with everything related to how I usually feel when I eat them. Namely, the sore throat, the sluggishness, the runny noise, and that awful phlegmy sensation in your mouth that wakes you up in the middle of the night with an intense desire to get up and spit.
Being sick is a drag, and cough drops make me feel sick. It's kind of similar to how, in 1985, I always smelled pre-cooked microwave chicken patties when I played Hoover Boover on my Commodore 64. One time I was playing that game and simultaneously eating pre-cooked microwave chicken patties, and, as a result, my senses always were conditioned to believe there was highly processed meat around when I loaded in the game.
But when I do have a sore throat or cough or bad cold, I do eat cough drops. They help, as much as I still don't really like them much. I am, though, a little disturbed by the fact that, despite my opening remarks, they really sort of are like candy.
I mean, it is sold in or near the candy aisle at 7-11, and the seemingly most popular one ("Halls") is made by Cadbury-Adams. Yeah, that's the same company that brings us Cadbury Creme Eggs, Trident Gum, and Bubblicious. That kind of leaves me a bit unbalanced. I mean, I'm taking it for medicinal purposes, but it's made by a candy manufacturer, so how good can it be?
I used to feel the same way about Yamaha musical instruments. They make some really good ones, but aren't they known for making outboard motor and jet skis? There's something not quite right there.
You know, bad colds are just bad news. There are other alternatives to cough drops, but they're all pretty rotten. In addition to chowing down Halls during this recent bout of illness, I also have given myself a few shots of this product called N'Ice that you actually spray on your throat. That works pretty good (for about 5 minutes of relief, anyway), but the application is just awful. It says to spray it on the sore area, which happens to be the whole back of my throat. So I shoot the damn thing back there and it lands directly on the f***ing hole in the back where my esophagus starts, and of course, it burns for a second and gags the hell out of me. So I have cough violently a few times, which only agitates my tender throat more. So I have to inflict some damage before I get some relief.
And, of course, at night-time I've been doing the great granddaddy of horrendous nocturnal cold relief: NyQuil. (Techinically, I've been doing the generic CVS equivalent of NyQuil [Green Slop] and DayQuil [Orange Slop].) Supposedly NyQuil works pretty well. I trust it does, because it usually makes me fall asleep for a few hours, as it's supposed to. So, in my mind, I always believe that taking NyQuil is the right thing to do. The only problem is that that s**t is just so damn disgusting that it's almost scary trying to drink it. The first night, I downed it in one fell swoop and gagged once after. With that memory fresh in my mind, I opted on the second night to take it in four smaller sips instead of one big gulp. That was also awful. So on night three, I went back to the big gulp, psyching myself up with a little bit of "mind over matter." But I had to call my wife in for morale support and a water-bottle hand-off.
All I can think is "Fear Factor." I don't watch that show, but I have seen bits and pieces in passing—mostly when I get distracted during channel surfing by a particularly buxom female, since that show seems to only use well endowed contestants. I know from the times I've stumbled onto it that they're often seen drinking gross stuff. They should do NyQuil. A full, 8 oz glass of NyQuil has got to be worse than minced bull testicle or uni-strand gorilla mucus. NyQuil is the worst.
I hope my cold passes soon.
posted by Steve @ 4:07 PM
4 Comments:
Steve, I know we're usually right on the same page when it comes to most things, and I rarely disagree with you're wise and sage words, but I have to say, when it comes to NyQuil, you're dead wrong! I love the stuff, yest it's strong and powerful, but the mere fact that I know I'll be asleep within 2 minutes it worth every drop of that medicinal nectar.
However, having said that, that's ALL it does is knock you out cold. It does not relieve your symptoms. It does not make you feel better in the morning (other than the fact that you slept better). It does not make your cold go away any faster. The only thing it does is put you down so you don't have to suffer the night sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, with a stuffy head and a fever. And yes, in fact it does scare me that I know the commercial so well...
Since you were speaking of Nyquil and Vicks, I just have to add that these are my husband's favorite sickroom remedies. I loathe Nyquil. Why not just drink a shot of Ketel One and be done with it? It's basically the same thing. Vodka and Ricola. Done. But, no, my husband hounds me until I will agree to take the Nyquil. Then he stands there while I swallow (ostensibly to see if I actually ingest it) and then he gets mad when I chase it with water! "It's supposed to coat your throat," he says. Screw that, I say.
And when I say "Vicks" I'm not talking about the cough drops, I'm talking about VapoRub. He loves that stuff. It smells so bad and it always makes me think of "Silence of the Lambs", how they pass it around before opening up the body bag. Ugh.
[[[[ "It's supposed to coat your throat," he says. Screw that, I say. ]]]
I'm with you! I've always got the water bottle right nearby.
There is this other rememdy that is even worse than Nyquil. It's called Theraflu, and you have to mix it up like tea and drink, like, a full 8-ounce glass. I tried it a few years back—it was worse than what I imagine drinking urine would be like. I couldn't even finish it.
Funny you should mention the Vick' Vaporub. I never used it...until this time. Probably a day or so after writing this blog entry, with my cold getting worse and worse, I first experimented with the Vaporub on the suggestion of a friend. I've gotta admit, though: I liked it! Yes, it was sticky and gross and smelled like s**t, but it felt really good and gave some serious releif. I would put it on before bed and lie there in my own "sickness," complete with the bad smell and all. A good shower in the morning took care of all the side effects.
"I would put it on before bed and lie there in my own "sickness," complete with the bad smell and all."
That's exactly Kyle's reasoning. What he doesn't realize is that I have a partially deviated septum, so I can never really breathe out of my nose all that well anyway, Vicks or no.
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