Heart and Mind

Blog Classic: The ol’ Toilet Seat

With the exception of, I believe, only two of the 100-plus posts here on Here and Mind, I haven't used "recycled material." I'd been "blogging" for years, just without the blog; still, I didn't want to publish a backlog of old musings. I wanted to keep it fresh and not draw upon old concepts and writings that folks who know me already had heard before. That much said, my circus-peanut-loving pal, Rich (from Rich's Uber-awesome Captain's Blog), was talking to me a little bit about the seat-up/seat-down toilet issue. I told him that I would repost my old musing on "The ol' Toilet Seat." I think, too, that it fits in really well with the type of nonsense I discuss here on the blog. So, it's a worthy addition. Here's a slightly revised and truncated version of my original essay on lifing the toilet seat.

I once got this forwarded email called, “The Rules According to Guys.” It was, by and large, pretty lame.

See, for a man, I'm almost a feminist. I think a lot of traditional "gender roles" are pretty stupid and I give women a lot credit as having the potential to be amazing, smart, capable people. Similarly, I find most of the jokes and emails about these differences between the genders to be... well, I really can't relate to them too much. Dispensing humorous (sometimes, sometimes not) bits about how men think and act one way and women think and act another is really the same fodder that comics have been depending on for years. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and all that kind of sh*t.

The stuff is based on such seriously promoted gender stereotypes—for the guys and the gals. Many guys are not nearly as lame as many women pretend they are and many women are not as lame as the "pro-male" arguments would have you think.

Well, this particular forwarded email and most of the “rules” on this list seemed pretty silly and completely inaccurate, at least in my experiences. However, there was one little joke/observation that I found amusing because it has, indeed, always struck me as a long-standing peculiarity in these gender battles. It's about the toilet seat.

You know the drill…men leave it up, women complain, blah, blah, blah. But, this has always had me kind of baffled. Let me explain…

The rule that was listed on this email was as follows: "Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down."

Amazing and true! I never quite got the big deal about this issue. If it's up, put it down. It's easy to spot a raised toilet seat, and it requires minimal effort to remedy the situation. Pick you battles…

Now, you can call it a lack of courtesy to leave it up, but that theory lacks substance for two reasons.

Firstly, if one is going to accept the premise that it is rude to expect someone else to have to go through the trouble of lowering the seat, wouldn't it then also be accurate to say that it's rude to expect the males to have to lift the seat? How is that less of an inconvenience? It's the same thing. "It's OK for men to have to 'prepare' the commode before use and after), but for women it is only OK if we have it in our needed position 100% of the time so we never have to deal with it."

It is selfish and it just doesn't hold water. Especially when considering that, if the women who are all twisted about this issue had their way, then they are basically saying men have to do the work every time they urinate. Because, trust me, attempting to shoot the stream through the downed seat—i.e., bypassing the effort involved in the lift—often yields, because of erratic starts and a smaller target area, results that are much more undesirable for the next person who has to "sit." I know all about it. I had to put up with all sorts of sh*t from my mother and sister when growing up because I used to prefer the challenge and—more importantly—the indolent approach that accompanied the practice of leaving it down.

That's reason number 1, and I'm sure a common retort to this is based on the notion that "It's totally different!! I can fall in!!" Well, while I again refer you to the simplicity of the concept of looking before you do your business, I have to go one further and point out that this reasoning is also faulty. After all, consider that men, too, can fall in, as they don't use the john exclusively for "standing" activities, if you know what I mean. So, realize that even if we leave the seat up, there's only a 50-50 chance that we won't be inconveniencing ourselves the next time we go to use it. There's no covert operation involved with pissing off the women. It's just the way it is. After all, after using the bowl in a sedentary capacity, we don't go out of our way to lift it, right?

But if the women had their way it would require that they never have to do anything, either prior to or after their business. But men would have to do things—first raise, then lower—every time they urinated, which is at least 50% of the time they use the facilities.

So...that's my theory. The ladies who are bothered by this either have to quit complaining or purchase a urinal for the bathroom in their house. For the record, I have always wanted a urinal in my home bathroom. And, if you had one, the toilet would not even need an operable seat. It could be in the down position permanently—only to be removed with a screwdriver when it needs to be replaced.

Thankfully, my wife, who is a wonderful, non-typical female much like I am a non-typical male, doesn’t give a damn about any of this toilet seat stuff.

For the record, I leave the toilet seat in whatever position it is in when I’m through using it. If you’re a woman who thinks that you should be catered to like a helpless individual just because you’re female, then you should relinquish your right to vote and go home and be subservient to your man. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. You’re either a helpless female or you’re a strong woman of the world. Personally, as something of a feminist, I don’t discriminate against women because they are female.

I don’t think women are any more helpless than men in terms of how their brain operates, and that’s why I am respectful towards them. It also is why I give them credit that they can use the toilet without falling in, just like I can use the toilet and not fall in when I’m conducting my sedentary business.

And, yes, once in a great while I'll visit the bathroom in the middle of the night and forget to check and—WHOA! The cold porcelain rim hits the back of my legs and I get that weird feeling 'cause I almost fell in. But it's never happened yet, and it doesn't happen enough to be an issue that I worry about.

posted by Steve @ 8:37 PM